You're a Woman, Harry!
by Alexannah
Summary: Skirts and cramps would be bad enough, but Harri, newly adjusting to life as the opposite sex - thanks a bunch, Neville - is discovering that the banes of every girl's existence are ... boys. RWHP DMHP DMHG SSNT
1. Sex Ed

**Summary:** Skirts and cramps would be enough, but Harriet, newly adjusting to life as the opposite gender - thanks a bunch, Neville - is discovering that the banes of every girl's existence are ... boys.

**Rating:** M

**Warnings:** Slash, M-Preg

**Disclaimer:** JKR owns the original works. I take credit for my barking ideas.

**Author's Note:** Just to clarify, Harry is a girl for the majority of the fic and as such, technically most of the romance is not actually slash … But there will be a part where he is a boy and … well … Let me just say there is slash but it's minimal. A kiss or two at the most.  
The title comes from the Comic Relief HP spoof from a few years ago, but that doesn't mean the fic is all humour – it's angsty in places, which is why one category is Drama.

* * *

**You're a Woman, Harry!**

by Alexannah

**Chapter One: Sex Ed**

"Get up, everyone, we're late!"

Ron groaned and pulled his pillow over his head. Harry rolled out of bed, grabbed it and pulled. There was a yell and a bang as Ron fell onto the floor, swearing.

"None of that language, Ronald!" snapped Mrs Weasley from outside the door. "Come on, both of you, we're going to miss the train!"

Half an hour later the five Weasleys – including the twins, who were seeing them off – were crammed with their trunks into an ordinary Muggle car.

"And _this_ time, there are no magical additions," Mrs Weasley said happily, starting the engine.

The journey to King's Cross was uneventful, and they just made it onto the train before the whistle blew. The twins and Mrs Weasley wished a quick good year and stood back, waving as the Hogwarts Express pulled out of the station.

"Well, we're NEWT students now," Ron said cheerfully, settling back in his seat. "Chess, Harry?"

"What's the point, I just lose," Harry grumbled, but chose to be black anyway.

Hermione and Ginny watched in amusement as Ron tried all he could to let Harry win but the outcome was still the same: Ron won. Harry took it gracefully as always and suggested they play Exploding Snap instead, so the girls could join in.

A few pairs of singed eyebrows later the talk turned to the OWL results.

"I got a P in Astronomy," said Hermione, dealing the cards, "but that's only to be expected, isn't it, and the Ministry said they're offering a resit for everyone in the disrupted exam later this year if they want."

"Are you going to go for it?" Harry asked.

"What do you think?" Ron smirked. "Since when did Hermione ever pass up the opportunity to sit an exam?"

"Oh shut up Ronald. I'm not going to, actually. You don't need Astronomy for what I want to do, and I want to concentrate on what I do need."

"Oh?" The other three raised their eyebrows. "You've decided, have you?"

Hermione smiled. "Yes, I want to be a Healer … and hopefully take S.P.E.W further in my spare time …"

Ron and Harry looked at each other and hurriedly looked away again.

"When did you decide this?" Ginny questioned.

"About three days ago," Hermione said dismissively.

Ron snorted. "You'll have changed your mind by next week."

"I will not!" Hermione snapped. "And anyway, what about you? I don't see you longing to go in one particular direction."

"Well, an Auror would be cool … but … I don't think I could do it. Professor McGonagall suggested I set my sights slightly lower, considering they only take the best."

"She didn't say that to me," Harry said thoughtfully, half to himself.

"What did she say?"

"Um …" Harry squirmed uncomfortably. "Well, I think it was just to annoy Umbridge more than anything …"

"What did she say?"

"Something along the lines of resorting to tutoring me nightly if it would help me be an Auror. But," Harry added quickly as they all looked shocked, "I think that had something to do with the fact that Umbridge was insisting that I would never make it … they were still fighting when I left …"

Ron snorted again, but with laughter. Harry relaxed. "Oh Merlin, I wish I'd been there. What was her face like, Harry? It must have been priceless …"

"Oh, yeah," Harry grinned back. "I should have taken a camera to my session … Mind you, her face would probably have cracked the lens …"

All four of them were howling with laughter by now, even Hermione.

"What's so funny?" a familiar voice demanded.

Draco Malfoy was standing in the doorway. They stopped laughing quickly, though Ron's face was twisted in a huge effort.

"What do you want, Malfoy?" Hermione said defensively.

He shrugged. "Is it a crime to be social?"

"Where are your bodyguards? Finally outgrown them?" Ron suggested.

"_Ron_," Harry hissed.

"I don't know where Dumb and Dumber are and couldn't care less," Malfoy replied coolly.

Harry had to consciously stop his jaw from dropping. Malfoy, making a Muggle reference?

"Don't look so shocked," he snapped at them. "I'm not like my father, you know."

With that he left, slamming the compartment door shut.

The other four looked at each other in shock.

"I believe him," Harry said finally.

"About Dumb and – I mean, about Crabbe and Goyle?"

"Not them, I mean I believe what he said about not being like his father."

Ron stared at him as if he had sprouted another head and he sighed. "Look, I've been thinking during the holiday, and I think that now Lucius is out the way in Azkaban maybe Malfoy can be more himself – whatever that is. He might be more open to believe things other than his parents have force-fed him with all his life."

"A Malfoy is a Malfoy, Harry," Ron said.

Hermione shook her head. "I think Harry has a point, and Draco just proved it. How many times do you think he's made a Muggle reference with his father around?"

"He made a Muggle reference?" Ron said blankly.

While Hermione started on giving Ron a mini-Muggle Studies lesson, Harry leaned back to see out of the window. He had a feeling this year would be interesting.

* * *

"Dumbledore's off his rocker," Ron stated.

Harry ignored him, pretending to be absorbed in the note accompanying his timetable that read:

_Due to some unexpected results in the Potions OWL examination, all students that received Exceeds Expectations or higher will be accepted into the Potions NEWT course this year._

"I mean it," Ron continued. "I know I said it before, but he's really lost it this time."

"Shut up, Ron."

"I mean, if it wasn't bad enough to put Sex Education on the syllabus this year … But to have SNAPE teach it?"

"And just what," a dangerously soft voice spoke up, "is wrong with my teaching, Weasley?"

Ron went furiously red and Harry looked up, hastily stuffing the note and his timetable into his pocket. Snape looked in an even fouler mood than usual. It could have been:

a) having to teach the boys Sex Education (This time, Harry agreed with Ron that Dumbledore was obviously completely insane)  
b) the fact that Lupin had come back to teach DADA again by popular demand after Umbridge's short reign  
c) the fact that he had somehow been forced to accept E students into his Potions class, or  
d) all of the above.

Harry was personally inclined to believe the fourth option.

Snape scowled heavily at the sixth-years and motioned for them to enter the classroom, and they all scrambled through the doorway in a scuffle to get to the back seats.

The door closed with a click filled with impending doom.

"Now then," Snape said softly. "Welcome to your first Gender Education lesson …"

* * *

"Well? How was it?" Hermione quizzed them at dinner.

Harry just pointed at Ron, who looked slightly green and was carefully not looking at any of the food on the table.

"That bad, then?"

"I can't believe you had to ask," Harry muttered, piling lasagne onto his plate without a lot of enthusiasm. "What about you?"

"Oh, it was fine – bit embarrassing, though. Poor Professor McGonagall got a lot of funny looks when she mentioned the effects of having sex in Animagus form …"

Ron went greener and hastily sped out of the Great Hall.

"… and you could tell she knew everyone was wondering if she knew from personal experience," Hermione continued.

Harry pushed his plate away.

"But other than that, I guess it wasn't any more painful than the talks at primary school were."

"You had talks?" Harry said, eyebrows raised. "We just watched a few videos on the subject while the teacher had some time out."

"Videos? Is that better or worse than diagrams on the blackboard?"

Harry and Hermione were still debating when Ron returned, now a sickly pale colour, and Harry decided to change the subject.

"What lesson do we have next?"

"Guess," Ron said gloomily. "As if today couldn't get any worse."

"Oh, great. Potions."

**TBC …**


	2. Harriet Evans

**Chapter Two: Harriet Evans**

"I spoke too soon," Ron muttered to Harry out of the corner of his mouth. "This day can _definitely_ get worse."

Harry had to agree. Parvati and Lavender were debating in front of them if there had been an "incident" last year that no-one knew about, because it seemed rather odd that at the same time Sex Ed. had been introduced, anti-conception potions had found their way onto the Potions syllabus.

"I have to say, I almost feel sorry for Snape," Ron continued. "He's the one getting picked on to teach this stuff."

"Mm," Harry agreed, looking up at the blackboard and trying to remember which potion he was working on – the one on the left side of the board or the right? Examining the instructions and then the ingredients he'd used, he couldn't work it out. The boys had been set the male version of the potion and the girls the female version – but Snape hadn't labelled the instructions, and Harry had been so busy trying to get some of the last lesson's mental images out of his head that he had completely forgotten which he had began following.

Looking at Ron, he saw him put in three drops of belladonna essence and relaxed. The essence only appeared in the instructions on the left. He took the bottle and carefully put three drops into his cauldron.

The potion exploded, showering him in it, and he caught a mouthful. Choking, he spat out what he could but he'd swallowed half.

"Idiot boy!" Snape snarled, Vanishing the remains of the potion. "What have you done?"

Harry tried to find the words to defend himself, to say that Snape should have labelled the sets of instructions, but the words wouldn't come. He was beginning to feel a bit woozy and he suddenly realised Snape was standing in front of him with his hands on his shoulders.

"Potter. _Potter_, listen to me. Did you swallow any of the potion?"

"Uhm …" Harry's vision was swimming and he couldn't comprehend anything around him. "Head …"

His knees buckled as everything went pitch black.

* * *

The room erupted.

"Class dismissed!" Snape shouted, Vanishing all the potions with a wave of his wand. "Everyone come back here tomorrow at five o'clock to redo the assignment. No buts! Now, out!"

Everyone scrambled out in a hurry except for Ron and Hermione. Snape was bending over Harry, peeling open one eyelid.

"He's alive," he surmised. "Did you see what he did to the potion, Weasley?"

"Er, no, sir. I was focusing on my belladonna …"

Snape muttered something about the friends never watching each other when it was needed and levitated Harry into the air. "He'll need to go to the Hospital Wing. Granger, run ahead and make sure our path is clear, we don't want spectators …"

He trailed off, staring at Harry's limp body.

"Heavens above," Snape breathed.

"Oh my goodness!" Hermione gasped.

Ron swore loudly. Snape didn't even blink.

"We _definitely_ don't want spectators."

* * *

"What was the potion?" Madam Pomfrey asked in bewilderment, rummaging through a cabinet for a burn lotion.

"I don't know what he did to it, but the potion he was _meant_ to be working on was an anti-conception potion. Obviously the stupid boy couldn't follow the instructions. I _knew_ he shouldn't have been allowed in the class -"

"Severus, only two of your pupils got an O in the OWL, it was only fair you lowered your standards this year," Dumbledore said in a final sort of tone. "Poppy, what do you propose?"

Ron and Hermione looked at the matron desperately.

"I don't know, Albus," she admitted, soaking a rag in the lotion and beginning to tend to the burn on Harry's right hand. "I think only you and Harry can decide together."

Harry friends looked at each other, confused, but Dumbledore nodded. "I think that's the best option: it's really Harry's decision. In the meantime -"

"Excuse me," Ron said loudly, ignoring Hermione's elbowing, "are you seriously considering leaving Harry as he is?

"She," Snape corrected helpfully.

Dumbledore started to reply but stopped. Harry was stirring. Ron and Hermione drew closer, the adults drew back.

Harry's eyes slowly opened and he – she – rubbed them, wincing in the light. "Where am I?"

* * *

Harry felt very tired. His head was groggy and he was aching all over as if he'd fallen off a broomstick.

"Where am I?" he whispered hoarsely.

"In the Hospital Wing."

Snape. His voice sounded different somehow – soft and silky, yet Harry was positive he could hear the same snarky tone beneath it.

"Do you know what happened, Harry?"

Ron's voice sounded different too. A shiver ran up Harry's spine.

"What's happened to my ears?" he burst out, his eyes snapping open. He couldn't see properly (the lack of glasses) but he could make out three figures looking at each other in apparent confusion.

"Um, Harry," Ron began nervously, "I think your ears are the least of your worries."

"Wh-what do you mean?"

Harry fumbled on the bedside table for his glasses. "Where are my glasses?" Then he noticed something. "My voice! What's happened to it?"

"Harry …" The third person spoke slowly, revealing himself as the headmaster. "The potion … had some unfortunate unseen consequences -"

"You're a girl, Potter," Snape interrupted bluntly.

"I'm _what?_" Harry sat bolt upright.

"Once again Severus, you show all the sensitivity of a blunt axe," Dumbledore sighed.

"I'm _what?_" Harry repeated, panic settling in.

"Potter, please! Your shouting is bad enough normally; now it's pitched higher it's unbearable!"

"Severus!"

"_Give me my glasses!_" Harry shouted in Snape's direction.

"Here they are, Harry." Hermione pressed them into his hands.

Snape shook his head as he put them on and the room came into focus. "Get yourself a new frame, Potter. Those ones no longer suit you."

"Severus," Dumbledore said with a touch of impatience in his voice, "instead of making comments about Harry's – erm – predicament – maybe you could go and start preparing for a way to solve it?"

Their eyes met and an unspoken message seemed to pass between them. Snape gave a small nod and swept out of the Hospital Wing, leaving the others in an awkward silence.

Harry broke it first. "This cannot be happening."

"Harry -" Dumbledore began.

"Look at me!" Harry gasped, examining his hands – they were smaller, and more delicate. "On second thoughts, don't," he added quickly, suddenly aware that he was still in his school robes which didn't exactly fit properly now. He raised a hand to his shoulder and felt something: long, thick waves of hair, tumbling down almost to his waist.

"Wish mine was like that," he heard Hermione mutter.

What Harry really wanted to do was strip right off just to clarify that his worst nightmare really _had_ come true, but for some reason that didn't seem like a good idea: Dumbledore was still in the room, and so was Ron, who seemed to be trying not to stare at Harry's front. Instead he slid his new hands under the sheets and discreetly into his trousers.

"Oh Merlin," he gulped. That proved it: he was a girl.

"Professor?" Hermione asked, tearing her eyes away from Harry's new look to the headmaster. "What can we do?"

"I asked Professor Snape to get information on the Gender Changes that the Ministry offer," Dumbledore answered, avoiding Harry's eye. "Until then …"

"I'm stuck like this?" Harry gasped.

"I'm afraid so."

Harry looked carefully at the headmaster. Although Dumbledore's tone was serious, there was a definite hint of amusement in his twinkling eyes. Looking at his friends, he saw they seemed to be struggling over whether to be horrified or in stitches. Harry had to admit, if it was Ron in this situation he would probably have found it hilarious … but slightly disturbing as well.

"Wh-what am I supposed to do?" he stammered, a thought occurring to him. "I can't go around school looking like this – people are going to notice!"

Ron hastily turned a laugh into a sneeze and Harry glared at him, which only seemed to amuse him more.

"Sorry, Harry," he spluttered, "but I just got a picture of Malfoy's face in my head if he saw you like this … It would beat the Bouncing Ferret hands down …"

"I'm sure we'll think of something," Dumbledore assured him. "In the meantime I'm sure Madam Pomfrey will keep you locked up here … uh, I mean, kept under strict supervision," he hastily corrected at a dark look from the matron.

Harry slumped back onto his pillows. "Perfect."

"Maybe we should get Minerva," Madam Pomfrey said in a low voice to Dumbledore. "I think we need a female to deal with this properly, and she knows him – I mean, her – better than I do."

Dumbledore nodded and left the Hospital Wing after squeezing Harry's shoulder in reassurance. Madam Pomfrey took out her curtains and shooed Ron and Hermione away so she could check there were no extra side-effects of the potion, much against Harry's protests.

* * *

"Minerva my dear, we have a problem."

"In a school this size we're never out of them. What is it this time?"

"One of our students appears to have changed genders, and I think he – I mean, she – needs a woman to talk to him. Her. Merlin, this is going to take a bit of getting used to."

"Who?" Professor McGonagall asked, startled.

"Harry Potter – Or, I should say, Harr_iet_ Potter, as of half an hour ago …"

**TBC …**


	3. If You've a Ready Mind

**AN:** Very sorry about the long wait. Got stuck halfway through the chapter and my muse ran away.

* * *

**Chapter Three: If You've a Ready Mind**

"It's not funny, Ron."

"S-sorry," Ron choked. "But you have to admit, the look on his face when Snape told him he was a girl – her, I mean – Ugh, this is going to be confusing."

"And you can stop staring as well, I highly doubt Harry wants to be gawped at by one of his – her – best friends."

"I'm not staring!"

Hermione sighed. "Of course you're not _now_, you idiot, I meant when Madam Pomfrey's finished looking him – her – over."

"Oh. Sorry. I can't help it. For a girl who was a boy half an hour ago, she's very -"

"I don't want to hear it," Hermione said firmly. "Shut up now, I'm trying to think."

She didn't get much chance to think, however, as Madam Pomfrey poked her head around the curtain.

"The good news," she announced before Ron or Hermione could speak, "is that there aren't any side-effects of the potion – aside from the obvious, that is."

"And the bad news?" Hermione asked.

"The bad news is, the headmaster was right: there is no available reversal unless he – I mean she – applies for a Gender Change from the Ministry."

"The _Ministry?_ No way!"

"That's what Harry said," Madam Pomfrey said in amusement.

"So it looks like I'm stuck like this permanently," a voice grumbled from behind the curtain.

"What?" Ron exclaimed.

Harry pulled back the curtains. He – she – looked torn between depressed and furious. "Ron, do you really think the Ministry is going to accept my application without it turning into this massive media event? Rita Skeeter was bad enough. This'll be the story of the century. I think I'd rather stay like this than have everyone know. Not that I'm happy about this."

Throughout her speech, Ron's eyes had stayed fixed on the same spot. Harry, instead of her now-ill-fitting uniform, was wearing a loose regulation hospital gown, but although it was supposed to be genderless it did sort of cling round the torso. Hermione noticed the direction Ron was looking in and stamped on his foot. "Ow!"

Either Harry pretended not to notice or was too depressed to. Madam Pomfrey shook her head.

"You can discuss that with Professor McGonagall, Mr – er, I mean, Miss Potter." She cleared her throat. "And she will be here shortly. As for you two," she turned to Ron and Hermione, "you can leave my patient in peace; she will be staying overnight."

Harry grumbled, but Madam Pomfrey ignored her and shooed Ron and Hermione away.

* * *

Life in a magical school was by no means easy but it was never boring. If it wasn't students being turned into ferrets, or Neville Longbottom melting his hundredth cauldron, there was always someone somewhere in a magical – and often very embarrassing – predicament. In this case, Minerva mused, it was one of her students and the responsibility fell on her to deal with.

It was odd, she thought, that out of all the students who had to make the potion, it was Harry who had messed it up and ended up as the opposite gender. Had an accident been expected, she would have gambled on Neville being the victim. Strange. She would have to have a word with Severus and check he had assigned the _male_ potion to Harry and not the _female_ one. She wouldn't put it past him. But for now, she needed to talk to Harry. Minerva smiled slightly. She'd been a good friend of Lily Potter and had known Harry when – she – was a baby. Seeing her like this should be … interesting.

She paused outside the Hospital Wing, took a deep breath and opened the door. It appeared deserted, apart from the bed at the end with a set of curtains round. It didn't take a genius to work out where Harry was.

"Mr Potter – Miss Potter?" she said quietly, outside the curtain. No reply. "Harry?" She slowly pulled the curtains aside.

* * *

Harry had been staring at the same spot on the Hospital Wing wall for several minutes, mulling her decision over in her head.

The point of not trying to be changed back was so that everybody would not find out about what had happened to her; however, there was obviously a flaw in her logic, as she could not stay the way she was without people noticing.

Perhaps she could just wear glamours disguising herself as a boy? But then – how long for? It could hardly be indefinite; what about in a few years, if she wanted to get married? That would be an interesting conversation on the wedding night!

Harry frowned, sat up and examined herself again in the mirror Madam Pomfrey had left behind. Somehow, between losing and gaining certain body parts, something else had changed. Thinking back to how she had always felt seeing Cho Chang, the odd stomach-lurching sensation was gone. True, it had been less so at the end of last year, but now it was gone completely.

Try someone else. Harry cast her mind around and one of the Hufflepuff sixth-years came to mind. Harry had bumped into her on the train on the way – twenty-four hours ago – and although the sensation that accompanied her appreciation of her looks had not been as deep as it had with Cho, it had definitely been _there_. But now? Zilch.

Perhaps it would be better to try the other way around. Harry ran a mental list of all the boys she knew in her head. Ron – er, no, perhaps better not to go there, the situation was awkward enough is it stood. Dean, Seamus, Neville? Nothing.

Then the memory of Draco Malfoy's visit to them on the train popped into her head, and the lurch was back. He was quite good-looking, really …

_Oh, bloody hell._

Harry buried her face in her hands. She would never be able to look Malfoy in the face again -

"Miss Potter?"

She jumped, just as the curtains were drawn to one side. "Professor!"

"Good heavens," Professor McGonagall exclaimed, looking Harry up and down, who pulled the bedcovers further up.

"Please don't stare."

"I'm sorry – no – goodness." Professor McGonagall hovered with an unreadable expression on her face for a few minutes, before seeming to shake herself and sat down at the end of the bed. "Well, what are we going to do with you, Miss Potter?"

Harry glared at her. "I was hoping you might have some suggestions."

"I'm afraid you're hoping in vain," Professor McGonagall said sympathetically. "I do not believe this has ever happened before. Not while I have been teaching here, certainly."

"Great." Harry flopped backwards onto the pillow. "Why is it _always_ me?"

"Well, I think -"

"That was a rhetorical question, Professor."

"I am aware of that, Miss Po – Harry," Professor McGonagall replied. "What I was going to say is that you appear to have two options."

Harry sat up again. "You mean, go to the Ministry and have the story splashed all over the papers, or stay as I am and have the story splashed all over the papers."

"Well, I was not going to put it _quite_ like that."

"You don't have to, I'm sure the _Daily Prophet_ will find some nice colourful way to describe it."

"Now, let's stop that," Professor McGonagall said, now sounding more like her usual stern self. "You have two choices, Harry. Personally I would not recommend that you go to the Ministry."

Harry blinked at her. "Why not?"

Professor McGonagall didn't answer for a moment. "Not yet, anyway," she added finally. "You've just been through a huge physiological change; trying to return to the way you were could be too much for your body to handle. Not to mention, gender changes are on the whole risky and sometimes unpredictable; they would be more so after you had just had one."

Harry thought for a moment. "How long would you recommend I waited till I tried?"

"A few months, at least," Professor McGonagall answered. "A year, ideally."

Harry's mouth fell open. "A _year_? I'd be stuck like this for a _year_?"

"Well, it's up to you, but I'm sure Madam Pomfrey would be having a few strong words to say if you started to apply now. You may find yourself locked up in here till the end of term," Professor McGonagall said, allowing a small smile to appear on her face.

"So, it's the stay a girl option," Harry said with a sigh. "What am I supposed to do in the meantime? Could someone just glamour me for the next few months to look like I used to?"

"Well, it's possible, but I wouldn't advise it."

"Why not?"

Professor McGonagall surveyed Harry carefully. "Harry, have you noticed any changes … that is, non-physical ones?"

There was a moment of silence. Draco Malfoy popped into Harry's head again, and she could feel her cheeks growing hot. "Um. Yes."

"Boys?"

Harry gave a small nod, blushing further. Professor McGonagall nodded. "I thought so. Your mind's changed along with your body. It wouldn't really be fair on you to act like a boy for the next year, really, would it?"

"I guess not," Harry mumbled. "But – what other option do I have? I really, _really_ don't want people to know about this."

"I don't think they have to," Professor McGonagall said, surprising Harry. "If I hadn't known what had happened to you, then I would not have been able to recognise you when I saw you a few minutes ago. You do look very different. If we hid your scar, then you could go back to classes as an 'exchange student' and nobody would be any the wiser."

"But -" Harry paused, wondering which of the dozen objections to voice. "I'm not a girl! I don't have a clue how to act like one, let alone _think_ like one. I really don't get them. No offence to your gender, Professor," he added quickly.

Professor McGonagall actually chuckled. "Well, maybe now is your opportunity to figure out one of the great mysteries that have vexed men for millennia. How the female mind works." She smiled at Harry. "If, or when, you changed back, it would certainly be a useful experience, don't you think?"

Harry remembered her disastrous date with Cho last year. "Yeah, it definitely would."

**TBC …**


End file.
